Round 2
I came home last nite thinking and picturing that the front door locks would be changed.. my stuff would be packed in boxes.. or my parents would still be up and wanting to talk to me some more. None of that happened. whew. I really was expecting the worst.
It seems like writing things out is the only way for me to somewhat organize my thoughts. When I talk to ppl, I wish I could have a photographic memory... that way I could tell them the most unbiased view of the whole talk I had with my parents the other nite. Yea, it would be definitely good if I just had a court transcriptionist there and then once the whole ordeal was over.. I could just give that document over to my friends and say.. 'ok guys. what do you think?'. I know I'm doing the right thing by moving out...and it's not like I magically thought of this stuff a week ago.. I've always wanted to move out since I got back in cali.
I admit there are times when Dan does play a factor in my thinking.. but please, I freakin' can't be THAT objective.However, the times that I do stop and think ..ok, I don't think Dan's going to be around for the long run.. he may be around for the present to give me some moral support.. but in the end I think instead of following his heart..he's going to be following his head and say 'you know what lucy, I think the best is just being friends'. When I stop and think THAT way... I then ask 'is moving out a good idea?' and the one thing that pops into my head is 'yes'. Even though finding a place is a freakin' chore... when I look at a place and I instantly know I don't like the place or I do like the place but the price is WAY out of my range.. I hate sitting across from the manager and say let me get back to you when I know I won't. I think how fun and exciting it's going to be to decorate because I've never really done that before. Even though it'll hurt my wallet, it's going to be nice and buy things and know 'This is mine!'.. I don't have to envy other ppl's things. I dunno.. it's like the whole process is getting to develop a part of me that I wasn't able to.
My one goal of trying to make my parents understand this was the hard part. And I still don't think from our discussion they understand this. I don't need their acceptance cuz I know I'm never going to get that. But I just want them to understand what I want to do in order to not disown me or think I'm a bad person.
Our conversation always ending up with Dan involved. I guess my whole moving out is bad timing. From their perspective, one minute I'm talking about buying a place with him.. to the next minute I'm talking about marrying him.. to the next minute why aren't they accepting him quicker than I want them to.. to finally I want to move out. And I admit basically that is how our conversations have been. I don't talk to my parents often.. so yea.. probably the times I have talked to them.. it's consisted of just that. So by just having those type of talks.. I can kinda see where they are coming from...and then obviously they think this is a reflection of Dan. And the hard part right now is trying to fill in the blanks to them.
My wrongdoing was to not hype Dan up to them sooner (and before any of those above topics) and the other was to not make some effort to teach Dan some basic Vietnamese and cultural things.
oy. I've fucked everything up so much that it almost seems so hopeless.. so irreconcilable.
sigh. I really have never been a person to run home and say 'ohmygosh mom and dad I think I've met the man of my dreams'.. and also I'm not the type to talk about my relationships because in some ways I'm very private. Like its been very recent when I actually opened up about my feelings. I remember maybe a year ago that Teresa actually said I'm glad you're being more open.
Now the teaching Dan stuff... I remember I was going to teach him how to say hello in vietnamese...but he stopped me because I think he said he didn't want the second meeting of my parents to be awkward. Because the last time, I had made a comment about him not shaving and then later on I told him that my dad didn't like how Dan used the words 'you guys'. I haven't done a good job of explaining things or reasoning out things with him. My advice giving skills are horrible. My timing terrible. My discretion is worse.
Anyways.. although right now is a hard time between my folks and me.. my next plan of action is writing a letter to them. I think I articulate myself better by writing than speaking. Hopefully, they'll understand a bit more. If they don't, I dunno what I can do to make things better... but I know my intentions on moving out will be the same.
The other hard part is Dan. I sat across from him during lunch and while he was talking to me about his picture of the future.. it was so dismal. Maybe because of the circumstances right now. But it's terrible to see things in that kind of light right from the get go. Who wants to start off a life thinking that if we have kids together you'd think when I bring the kids over to my parent's house.. my parent's will put bad ideas about their father into their head. And honestly, that never was the case with Danh's kids. I don't think my parents would be the type to do that. They're not that malicious (although I did think when I got home last nite my stuff would be packed up or my dad would have closed my banking account...but neither happened.. that says something) I still think by the time that happens.. things would have gotten better. Of course, right now I can see how Dan feels that nothing has gone in the direction that we've wanted... so the pessimistic side prevails.
Last nite, there was one point where I just thought it's time to let Dan go. I should just deal with this stuff on my own and if we were meant to be then we'll get back together down the road. If it wasn't meant to be, then that's how things were intended to be.
Then the other part of me thinks.. if I tell my parents that Dan and I broke up, they already think that I'm moving out to show to Dan that I really love him... to win him back in some way. Which are not my intentions at all. So being with Dan or not being with Dan has no bearing at all. And to be honest, I want to be with Dan because I want to and not to prove anything. And I don't want to NOT being with him to prove another silly thing.
Why does it feel like a no win situation one moment and yet I still see some good at the end of this whole mess.
The 'wise' one was right.. sometimes the right road isn't always the easiest.
It seems like writing things out is the only way for me to somewhat organize my thoughts. When I talk to ppl, I wish I could have a photographic memory... that way I could tell them the most unbiased view of the whole talk I had with my parents the other nite. Yea, it would be definitely good if I just had a court transcriptionist there and then once the whole ordeal was over.. I could just give that document over to my friends and say.. 'ok guys. what do you think?'. I know I'm doing the right thing by moving out...and it's not like I magically thought of this stuff a week ago.. I've always wanted to move out since I got back in cali.
I admit there are times when Dan does play a factor in my thinking.. but please, I freakin' can't be THAT objective.However, the times that I do stop and think ..ok, I don't think Dan's going to be around for the long run.. he may be around for the present to give me some moral support.. but in the end I think instead of following his heart..he's going to be following his head and say 'you know what lucy, I think the best is just being friends'. When I stop and think THAT way... I then ask 'is moving out a good idea?' and the one thing that pops into my head is 'yes'. Even though finding a place is a freakin' chore... when I look at a place and I instantly know I don't like the place or I do like the place but the price is WAY out of my range.. I hate sitting across from the manager and say let me get back to you when I know I won't. I think how fun and exciting it's going to be to decorate because I've never really done that before. Even though it'll hurt my wallet, it's going to be nice and buy things and know 'This is mine!'.. I don't have to envy other ppl's things. I dunno.. it's like the whole process is getting to develop a part of me that I wasn't able to.
My one goal of trying to make my parents understand this was the hard part. And I still don't think from our discussion they understand this. I don't need their acceptance cuz I know I'm never going to get that. But I just want them to understand what I want to do in order to not disown me or think I'm a bad person.
Our conversation always ending up with Dan involved. I guess my whole moving out is bad timing. From their perspective, one minute I'm talking about buying a place with him.. to the next minute I'm talking about marrying him.. to the next minute why aren't they accepting him quicker than I want them to.. to finally I want to move out. And I admit basically that is how our conversations have been. I don't talk to my parents often.. so yea.. probably the times I have talked to them.. it's consisted of just that. So by just having those type of talks.. I can kinda see where they are coming from...and then obviously they think this is a reflection of Dan. And the hard part right now is trying to fill in the blanks to them.
My wrongdoing was to not hype Dan up to them sooner (and before any of those above topics) and the other was to not make some effort to teach Dan some basic Vietnamese and cultural things.
oy. I've fucked everything up so much that it almost seems so hopeless.. so irreconcilable.
sigh. I really have never been a person to run home and say 'ohmygosh mom and dad I think I've met the man of my dreams'.. and also I'm not the type to talk about my relationships because in some ways I'm very private. Like its been very recent when I actually opened up about my feelings. I remember maybe a year ago that Teresa actually said I'm glad you're being more open.
Now the teaching Dan stuff... I remember I was going to teach him how to say hello in vietnamese...but he stopped me because I think he said he didn't want the second meeting of my parents to be awkward. Because the last time, I had made a comment about him not shaving and then later on I told him that my dad didn't like how Dan used the words 'you guys'. I haven't done a good job of explaining things or reasoning out things with him. My advice giving skills are horrible. My timing terrible. My discretion is worse.
Anyways.. although right now is a hard time between my folks and me.. my next plan of action is writing a letter to them. I think I articulate myself better by writing than speaking. Hopefully, they'll understand a bit more. If they don't, I dunno what I can do to make things better... but I know my intentions on moving out will be the same.
The other hard part is Dan. I sat across from him during lunch and while he was talking to me about his picture of the future.. it was so dismal. Maybe because of the circumstances right now. But it's terrible to see things in that kind of light right from the get go. Who wants to start off a life thinking that if we have kids together you'd think when I bring the kids over to my parent's house.. my parent's will put bad ideas about their father into their head. And honestly, that never was the case with Danh's kids. I don't think my parents would be the type to do that. They're not that malicious (although I did think when I got home last nite my stuff would be packed up or my dad would have closed my banking account...but neither happened.. that says something) I still think by the time that happens.. things would have gotten better. Of course, right now I can see how Dan feels that nothing has gone in the direction that we've wanted... so the pessimistic side prevails.
Last nite, there was one point where I just thought it's time to let Dan go. I should just deal with this stuff on my own and if we were meant to be then we'll get back together down the road. If it wasn't meant to be, then that's how things were intended to be.
Then the other part of me thinks.. if I tell my parents that Dan and I broke up, they already think that I'm moving out to show to Dan that I really love him... to win him back in some way. Which are not my intentions at all. So being with Dan or not being with Dan has no bearing at all. And to be honest, I want to be with Dan because I want to and not to prove anything. And I don't want to NOT being with him to prove another silly thing.
Why does it feel like a no win situation one moment and yet I still see some good at the end of this whole mess.
The 'wise' one was right.. sometimes the right road isn't always the easiest.
posted by Lu at 8:28 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home