The Talk
"The Talk" lasted a lil more than 2 hours.
I can't believe all the weird things Ba had brewing in his head...but I'll get to that later.
I started out asking him how much he knew about me... it was such a convoluted question that I broke it down to who he pictured me being with. This time he openly said he doesn't know because he never talked to me about it. Exactly. So, I told him when I first dated the things that I were looking for in a person were things I thought Ba and Me wanted me to marry... Vietnamese, Catholic, higher education than his daughter. But I found out for myself... those things really didn't matter to me. And I told him straight out.. I did date a guy that fit all those things and I wasn't happy in the relationship. Not like the guy ever did bring me home to meet his parents, but if he did.. I knew I would feel totally weird about it. Not comfortable. Probably get judged for not speaking perfect Vietnamese or being culturally knowledgable. For the Catholic part.. I told Ba straight out.. yes, I believe there is a God. I believe there are certain things in this world that can't be explained by science or logic... and maybe there is a higher being out there. But, there are some things in Catholicism that I just don't believe in. And to be honest..being married to a catholic isn't important to me. And then for the education part.. as long as he's not some deadbeat or ignorant.. I'm fine with a guy who doesn't have a doctorate. Bottom line: I'm looking for someone who's a good person, who treats me well, and looks out for my best interest. I told him I understand why he believes and thinks all those characteristics would help in the long run... but that's his point of view and not mine. I found everything that I want and need in Dan.
The one thing he was dead on with ... although I didn't like the word he used was... I'm 'easy'. I rephrased that word to 'laid-back'. Which I agree.. I AM a laid-back person. He said I'm pretty Americanized. True again. He was also right about another thing... but it was mostly brought to his attention from one of my sisters... that I have a tendency to act one way at home and when I leave the house I act another way. Oh yea. Very true. And I told him that's something that I felt like I had to do. Living in his house, I have to respect his rules and be a certain way. I felt like I had to not hurt their feelings.. so I would say one thing yet do the other... which obviously was still was damaging. And I said that by this conversation I want to let him know that I didn't want to feel and act that way anymore.
There's never been an open line of communication between he and I. And he brought up something that was totally skewed. He said when I got back from MD.. the first thing I did was put the Vietnamese-English dictionary on his shelf in his office... which then led him to believe that I wanted nothing to do with the vietnamese language. WHAT THE HELL?! I pointed to my room and said.. do you see any space in my room? are you kidding me? I'm cramped up there... where do you think I could possibly put anything in there? And his response is that that's what he thought. oh my. I was thinking to myself....Could you just ask rather than come up with weird distorted reasons?! Geez. In the end, he said okay he might have jumped the gun on that one. uh. yea!
The same distortion came when I brought up Dan. Ba said that if he could turn back time that he wished that I had brought Dan home sooner. Yes. I've kicked myself many times over that whole thing. Yes. I should have brought Dan home WAY in the beginning..can we move on from that point. Ba believed that since I didn't mention how serious things were until recently led him to believe that his opinion of Dan wouldn't matter to me... so he didn't think there was any reason to get to know Dan. In the normal ppl world, usually if things get serious I would think you would try your hardest to find out more about this person... my dad elected the other way. I told him don't you know how much it hurts me to see you ignoring Dan. That I respected my mom so much more because she made a conscious effort to talk to Dan. I asked him Why during the last time Dan was here he ignored him? His response was he had a test and needed to practice his guitar and maybe there was a small percentage that he wanted to ignore him. I told him if you're more curious about Dan and have all these questions about Dan's family or what more there is to Dan.. then you have to put some effort to get to know him.. especially when he doesn't come over that much. I guess by finally knowing that it did hurt me that he wasn't trying to get to know Dan... he said he would meet half way if Dan would meet half way. It wouldn't mean he would ask Dan out to get drinks and such... but if Dan came over.. than he wouldn't turn his back. Can't believe he thought the answer to him believing I don't care about his opinion is by not getting to know the person I want to marry. Where's the logic in that? But at least he knows not to do the same ignoring bit.. although Dan has said he'll never come over to my house. So I don't know about this whole thing.
I wanted to call Dan so badly and tell him where my dad was coming from in his weird world...but refrained again.
I brought up the whole prenupt and told him that although that's something he wants for me.. for my own protection. Well, it's just not for me. And I would personally never get one. And how he would feel if someone asked me to sign one. He replied yea he would get hurt but ultimately if he truly loved that person he would do it. For him, it would be a sign that he's not hiding something. I mean.. I understand his point of view... and insisted it wasn't something for me. He just replied.. since he doesn't know dan and up until the point of when Dan and I get married.. if he still feels that he doesn't know Dan.. he'll continue to ask me to get one. Which I said.. fine you can ask..but you won't get one. I just felt useless to convince him to see it my way. And I guess it's fine that he doesn't see it my way. Wish he could understand where I'm coming from. I mean I get his reasoning. Can't he see my point too? I'm not the greatest debater. Wish I was. But it was good to know that I could say 'nuh huh' and be true to myself.
I brought up the moving out bit. Of course, I got the 'I wouldn't like that' speech. But I told him it's more about me being an adult. His response.. "we think you're acting like a responsible adult when you're living at home and saving up for a house. By moving out, that doesn't show us you're being an adult". I told him the point isn't to show you I'm an adult...If showing you I was an adult was being at home and saving.. I've done that for two years. It's time to prove to myself that I can do it on my own cuz in the end you won't always be there. Then I told him maybe I'll even end up buying a small condo. Which then led to the whole ... yes. Buying something is good.. but you know your mom would want you to buy a condo but live at home and that way it'll be even better because then you'll have be able to rent out that condo PLUS save money by living at home. oh shit. I can understand the logic... but that's not what I want. I tried to put it in the most non-hurtful way that I just wasn't happy living this way. I need to move out. He then did something helpful.. he just warned me to be prepared to have reasons to why it's good for me to move out when I talk to my mom. That it shouldn't only be that it's a way to make me happy. But, dammit!! that's the only reason I can think of that I want to move out.. I can't live under this roof anymore!
One good point Ba made was that by moving out that would give them less of a chance to get to know Dan. But I let him know.. in the past few months by me living here that never changed. Not like any new situations arose.. and he probably didn't know Dan any better. Although I do admit... me moving out somehow makes me less likely to come home. When I used to live at Nga's house.. I rarely saw Ba and Me. And to be honest.. it really didn't matter. I'm okay with the idea of them being there. That I'm able to go home when I please. I dunno. I'm not sure I make sense. It's almost like although I wish I had a really close relationship with them... I'm okay with a 'civil' relationship. Although I do picture it getting ugly to the point where they might not talk to me.... and being strangely okay with that.
I was hoping to call up Dan and see him on Thursday since I actually work the morning shift.. but I may just come home so I'm able to talk with both Ba and Me about moving out and maybe buying a condo. I think if I make them feel a bit needed in my process of buying a place.. it might be good. Although I do see some bad in it too. I want them involved just not TOO involved.
On the other hand, buying a place is just too stressful for me. I sort of just want to rent. I wasn't able to see that glendale place because of my talk with Ba.
It's all too touchy. I just don't want to say ALRIGHTY I'm moving out in a couple of days. SEE YA! If I was in their shoes and my kid did that... I'd feel hurt. I just want it to sit on them for a bit. I'm thinking of aiming for June to move out.. that way I can drop frequent hints of me looking at places and such. So they know I'm serious. And that even though they think it's bad.. I'm doing it.
The only problem is from now til the time I move out... I haven't proven anything to Dan. I can't just tell him I've been thinking of these steps and maybe ending up not following through. It'll just be like it was a few months ago. Talk with mom. Say things will change.. and then nothing comes out of it. How strange this faintly sounds like our past issue of Dan's commitment problems. We had continual break ups over that.. but in the end he pulled through. I know my whole problem has been dragging on....but I have a sense that I'll pull through. I know what I want... just muddling through the proper way to do it. I've been calling the 'wise' one every day. Poor thing. She's probably so tired of me already. It's cute that she even said 'I need to talk to that boy'.. she's too sweet. Strange how I would pick her to be my maid of honor...but it sucks if I wouldn't pick T. OH! Can't wait to see her at the end of this month. *smile*
I can't believe all the weird things Ba had brewing in his head...but I'll get to that later.
I started out asking him how much he knew about me... it was such a convoluted question that I broke it down to who he pictured me being with. This time he openly said he doesn't know because he never talked to me about it. Exactly. So, I told him when I first dated the things that I were looking for in a person were things I thought Ba and Me wanted me to marry... Vietnamese, Catholic, higher education than his daughter. But I found out for myself... those things really didn't matter to me. And I told him straight out.. I did date a guy that fit all those things and I wasn't happy in the relationship. Not like the guy ever did bring me home to meet his parents, but if he did.. I knew I would feel totally weird about it. Not comfortable. Probably get judged for not speaking perfect Vietnamese or being culturally knowledgable. For the Catholic part.. I told Ba straight out.. yes, I believe there is a God. I believe there are certain things in this world that can't be explained by science or logic... and maybe there is a higher being out there. But, there are some things in Catholicism that I just don't believe in. And to be honest..being married to a catholic isn't important to me. And then for the education part.. as long as he's not some deadbeat or ignorant.. I'm fine with a guy who doesn't have a doctorate. Bottom line: I'm looking for someone who's a good person, who treats me well, and looks out for my best interest. I told him I understand why he believes and thinks all those characteristics would help in the long run... but that's his point of view and not mine. I found everything that I want and need in Dan.
The one thing he was dead on with ... although I didn't like the word he used was... I'm 'easy'. I rephrased that word to 'laid-back'. Which I agree.. I AM a laid-back person. He said I'm pretty Americanized. True again. He was also right about another thing... but it was mostly brought to his attention from one of my sisters... that I have a tendency to act one way at home and when I leave the house I act another way. Oh yea. Very true. And I told him that's something that I felt like I had to do. Living in his house, I have to respect his rules and be a certain way. I felt like I had to not hurt their feelings.. so I would say one thing yet do the other... which obviously was still was damaging. And I said that by this conversation I want to let him know that I didn't want to feel and act that way anymore.
There's never been an open line of communication between he and I. And he brought up something that was totally skewed. He said when I got back from MD.. the first thing I did was put the Vietnamese-English dictionary on his shelf in his office... which then led him to believe that I wanted nothing to do with the vietnamese language. WHAT THE HELL?! I pointed to my room and said.. do you see any space in my room? are you kidding me? I'm cramped up there... where do you think I could possibly put anything in there? And his response is that that's what he thought. oh my. I was thinking to myself....Could you just ask rather than come up with weird distorted reasons?! Geez. In the end, he said okay he might have jumped the gun on that one. uh. yea!
The same distortion came when I brought up Dan. Ba said that if he could turn back time that he wished that I had brought Dan home sooner. Yes. I've kicked myself many times over that whole thing. Yes. I should have brought Dan home WAY in the beginning..can we move on from that point. Ba believed that since I didn't mention how serious things were until recently led him to believe that his opinion of Dan wouldn't matter to me... so he didn't think there was any reason to get to know Dan. In the normal ppl world, usually if things get serious I would think you would try your hardest to find out more about this person... my dad elected the other way. I told him don't you know how much it hurts me to see you ignoring Dan. That I respected my mom so much more because she made a conscious effort to talk to Dan. I asked him Why during the last time Dan was here he ignored him? His response was he had a test and needed to practice his guitar and maybe there was a small percentage that he wanted to ignore him. I told him if you're more curious about Dan and have all these questions about Dan's family or what more there is to Dan.. then you have to put some effort to get to know him.. especially when he doesn't come over that much. I guess by finally knowing that it did hurt me that he wasn't trying to get to know Dan... he said he would meet half way if Dan would meet half way. It wouldn't mean he would ask Dan out to get drinks and such... but if Dan came over.. than he wouldn't turn his back. Can't believe he thought the answer to him believing I don't care about his opinion is by not getting to know the person I want to marry. Where's the logic in that? But at least he knows not to do the same ignoring bit.. although Dan has said he'll never come over to my house. So I don't know about this whole thing.
I wanted to call Dan so badly and tell him where my dad was coming from in his weird world...but refrained again.
I brought up the whole prenupt and told him that although that's something he wants for me.. for my own protection. Well, it's just not for me. And I would personally never get one. And how he would feel if someone asked me to sign one. He replied yea he would get hurt but ultimately if he truly loved that person he would do it. For him, it would be a sign that he's not hiding something. I mean.. I understand his point of view... and insisted it wasn't something for me. He just replied.. since he doesn't know dan and up until the point of when Dan and I get married.. if he still feels that he doesn't know Dan.. he'll continue to ask me to get one. Which I said.. fine you can ask..but you won't get one. I just felt useless to convince him to see it my way. And I guess it's fine that he doesn't see it my way. Wish he could understand where I'm coming from. I mean I get his reasoning. Can't he see my point too? I'm not the greatest debater. Wish I was. But it was good to know that I could say 'nuh huh' and be true to myself.
I brought up the moving out bit. Of course, I got the 'I wouldn't like that' speech. But I told him it's more about me being an adult. His response.. "we think you're acting like a responsible adult when you're living at home and saving up for a house. By moving out, that doesn't show us you're being an adult". I told him the point isn't to show you I'm an adult...If showing you I was an adult was being at home and saving.. I've done that for two years. It's time to prove to myself that I can do it on my own cuz in the end you won't always be there. Then I told him maybe I'll even end up buying a small condo. Which then led to the whole ... yes. Buying something is good.. but you know your mom would want you to buy a condo but live at home and that way it'll be even better because then you'll have be able to rent out that condo PLUS save money by living at home. oh shit. I can understand the logic... but that's not what I want. I tried to put it in the most non-hurtful way that I just wasn't happy living this way. I need to move out. He then did something helpful.. he just warned me to be prepared to have reasons to why it's good for me to move out when I talk to my mom. That it shouldn't only be that it's a way to make me happy. But, dammit!! that's the only reason I can think of that I want to move out.. I can't live under this roof anymore!
One good point Ba made was that by moving out that would give them less of a chance to get to know Dan. But I let him know.. in the past few months by me living here that never changed. Not like any new situations arose.. and he probably didn't know Dan any better. Although I do admit... me moving out somehow makes me less likely to come home. When I used to live at Nga's house.. I rarely saw Ba and Me. And to be honest.. it really didn't matter. I'm okay with the idea of them being there. That I'm able to go home when I please. I dunno. I'm not sure I make sense. It's almost like although I wish I had a really close relationship with them... I'm okay with a 'civil' relationship. Although I do picture it getting ugly to the point where they might not talk to me.... and being strangely okay with that.
I was hoping to call up Dan and see him on Thursday since I actually work the morning shift.. but I may just come home so I'm able to talk with both Ba and Me about moving out and maybe buying a condo. I think if I make them feel a bit needed in my process of buying a place.. it might be good. Although I do see some bad in it too. I want them involved just not TOO involved.
On the other hand, buying a place is just too stressful for me. I sort of just want to rent. I wasn't able to see that glendale place because of my talk with Ba.
It's all too touchy. I just don't want to say ALRIGHTY I'm moving out in a couple of days. SEE YA! If I was in their shoes and my kid did that... I'd feel hurt. I just want it to sit on them for a bit. I'm thinking of aiming for June to move out.. that way I can drop frequent hints of me looking at places and such. So they know I'm serious. And that even though they think it's bad.. I'm doing it.
The only problem is from now til the time I move out... I haven't proven anything to Dan. I can't just tell him I've been thinking of these steps and maybe ending up not following through. It'll just be like it was a few months ago. Talk with mom. Say things will change.. and then nothing comes out of it. How strange this faintly sounds like our past issue of Dan's commitment problems. We had continual break ups over that.. but in the end he pulled through. I know my whole problem has been dragging on....but I have a sense that I'll pull through. I know what I want... just muddling through the proper way to do it. I've been calling the 'wise' one every day. Poor thing. She's probably so tired of me already. It's cute that she even said 'I need to talk to that boy'.. she's too sweet. Strange how I would pick her to be my maid of honor...but it sucks if I wouldn't pick T. OH! Can't wait to see her at the end of this month. *smile*
posted by Lu at 1:48 AM
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