G*DDAMMIT!

I finally fuckin' talked to the ONE person that would have slapped sense into my head. The one person that gives sound advice and knows me inside and out. Where was she on Friday? Well.. what's done is done. The one good thing out of this is that I was completely honest with Dan about my family's perception of him. When I told him everything. I'm glad he had a sense of relief. I really want the best for him. I want whomever's family he marries into to love him for him and know what a great person he is. The selfish thing is that I still want him. I still think he's right for me. I just don't think I'm right for him. He could probably be many times more happier with someone else. I keep hurting him in ways that no one should bear. I kept everything inside thinking he would leave me because he wouldn't be able to deal with my f'ed up family. But he said something that was fantastically sweet... despite my family, he would want to be with me. That really spoke tons. But with this time apart to think... would he feel the same way?

Ug. My dad gets on my nerves.

Him: That picture shows he's not respecting you.

Me: Wha?! We're only have fun.

Him: You usually frame pictures that have you nicely dressed.. acting proper.

Me: ohmygosh. That's ridiculous.

He then hands me a Dr. Phil book called 'Love Smart'. What the hell. I'm living with crazies.

I wasn't going to do this but I've kept this in for so many months that it had to come out. Discretion or no discretion. I had to say this to my sisters.

I love and respect you both. And I know you both (and Ba and Me) are looking out for my best interest and want to protect me.

If you guys really knew who i was do you think i would be with a person who wouldn't treat me right? That would mooch off of me like that? Do you think I'm the type of person who would be so blinded by love to not see flaws? You both say you're trying to figure out what it is that makes me want to be with Dan. I agree Dan should get to know you guys too. Yup.. it should even be easier to talk to you guys and get to know you better than Ba and Me. All true. I agree. I'm not stupid to see that. But the thing that sucks.. you guys think he should step up but that shouldn't matter. The question should be is Lucy really happy with him? Another thing I've been feeling is being made to feel like I have to 'prove' I'm happy with him. I really don't think he or I should prove anything. Did you guys have to prove to me that Khuong or David loved you guys? What I saw was you guys happy...that was good enough for me. I didn't question your decision. And it was easier for me to see your relationship because you both were in the same house that I was living in. With you guys out of Ba Me's house..are you able to see anything that's going on between Dan and I? Just try to see it from my point of view. The main question should be what's going to make your sister happy in the end..and what can we do to make that happen?"

Maybe I shouldn't have written my thoughts down. Maybe my words might be again misinterpreted. Maybe they'll think shit this is going to be a Danh and Thi situation all over again. Who knows what they think..they haven't written back or called. The only thing I know is that I just felt relieved when I hit the 'send' button.

I have lots of things to think about. Now that I put that stupid prenupt idea out there.. will everything between dan and i feel like a business transaction where everything is split down the middle? I don't want that...but would he feel different. This has always been a touchy issue with him. Without a doubt, I'd want what's mine is ours and what's yours is ours. Not what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours....what the hell would that be all about?! I really didn't think the whole prenupt issue straight through. I had to even google up what the hell its all about.. and when I read a list of who should get one.. yea. I didn't fit any of it.. it'll be totally useless. I should have listened to Thao in the sense of figuring out if that was something truly what I wanted...cuz I definitely wasn't able to convince Dan that that's something that I thought long and hard and wanted really badly. I was stupid enough to just put it out there knowing exactly that I wouldn't go through with it and just asking for the sake of asking. Yea. I definitely should have brought up the topic in a whole different way. I just don't speak well.

If these family events do happen and he's not with me...how will I feel? This past Easter wasn't fun at all.. cuz I sat there realizing this family has no idea who I am. I almost felt like an outsider...and in some weird way I was okay with that. No one ever came up to me and ask how's everything going. The only thing that I wanted Dan there was when Lan-Anh was coloring eggs and going on her egg hunt. I know he would feel fine not coming..would I be fine with him not there? Is that something that's important to me? Truthfully... it would be important. But in the big scheme of things... how many of these family events do happen in a year? Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries. Could I sacrifice those days without him sharing those experiences with me to have the other days of the year with Dan? Put in that perspective... It wouldn't be so bad.

Him: I just don't see things working out in the future

oy. After these few days....even though I'll make changes...I'm afraid he's going to turn his back on this relationship. I'm deathly afraid of that. Yea, it'll be good to let each and every one of my family members know what type of person I really am. Good for me. But bad to know that the one person I want to be with won't be there. I have an anxious feeling he won't be there.