I Get It... at least I hope I do.
Have to wake up EARLY tomorrow. My usual wake up time has been 10am. I'll be waking up at 7am. Plus I was made aware that there will be new residents around who will be needing extra TLC on writing TPN orders. *sigh* great. Did the shift of new residents have to happen when I haven't done the TPN shift for how many weeks now. At least I'll be out the door by 530pm. And straight into another deep heart wretching conversation with two parental units.
The glendale apt wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. The area is nice and safe. The outside is nice. The apartment was spacious..LOTS of closet space (nice!).. it's the top AND corner unit so it's super quiet. But, I dunno. I'm so used to 'nice' places.. well, mainly Dan's place...and since we've always looked at new houses.. I like that whole modern and new style. But this place just didn't fit that criteria. And to spend $1250 on it.. hmph.
Mental Note: Craig List sucks for looking for apartments. Every single one that I've actually gone down to see is SO awful!! Well, maybe it's because of the price range I've been looking at ...$800-1000.. but geez. Terrible. I tried to meet up with some woman.. and it was funny that the apartment was down the street from Bally's..(I definitely wouldn't be able to say that I was too lazy to get my @ss to the gym)... but once I went through the gate. I couldn't go through with it.. I just walked back to my car. eek. it was THAT bad.
So I was cruising around the sites.. and came across this: http://www.losfelizplaza.com/frame_19.html yeup. That's more what I'm looking for even down to the furniture... but oy. so pricey ~$1325. And then while looking at the apartments on apartments.com ..it started showing all the lofts that are downtown. Very nice. But, ug. I don't think I would feel safe living down there. I went to the Lofts at the Security Building website .. it would be $1200 plus $110 for parking.. total: $1310. Ouch. (Then I started daydreaming about the future and thinking if I lived in one of those nice pasadena lofts... and maybe Dan could move in ..and this and that.. *sigh* why do these images still pop up? He probably has a different view of the future now.)
Tomorrow I will bring up the topic of moving out to my parents. I'm going to stand firm on my decision... the only glitch I see is that I can't find the perfect apartment that suites me. Well, not the perfect apartment but at least one that doesn't make me want to cringe and be afraid of taking a shower in it or scared whether my car got broken into. Isn't there something decent out there for a decent price? So yea.. I don't want it to be that I say I'm moving out and then after three weeks I can't find anything. And secretly I just want to move in with Dan. Fat chance that will be. Since I got an email from him today that basically says that he doesn't see any hope between us.
It sucks when I think I may have finally got it... maybe I've lost him. How can it be that the person that I love most in the world.. happened to be the one that I hurt the most? I feel like such a schmuck.
It finally took a few days to process that this whole situation was viewing that my parents wouldn't change.. so instead of just fighting back at them and standing up and trying to (in Dan's words) "dispel their image of him".. I tried to scheme up ways to try to change me and worst of all him. And even though in my sick and twisted mind.. I thought that deep down we weren't changing who I or he was... it wasn't being honest. It wasn't accomplishing anything.
I don't want to change Dan. I can't change who my parents are. But I'm trying to change how I react to things and deal with the situation. I see how this won't be solved overnite... and I can understand that Dan wouldn't want to stick around. That he wouldn't want to maybe be hurt again and lose more years when he could be with someone better. I get that.
In the end.. I love my family. But I love Dan more and still can't see myself with anyone else but him. If loving him and being with him means that I lose my family.. I can deal with that. I think they'll eventually come around. If they don't.. well, it is their loss. I just hope their not that stubborn. And I admit that its sad to know that Dan doesn't want anything to do with my family... but I respect that. Just like he would respect me if I couldn't stand his family too and didn't want to be in the same room with them. Of course, if I was put in that position.. I'd probably just suck it up. But Dan is his own person.. and if that's what he wants.. I won't push anything onto him. Although I wonder if he's still taking his metamucil and eating right.
Debating whether to email him back. I kinda don't want to email him or talk to him right now..because I don't want to hear his answers or his opinions right now. That sounds harsh... but I don't want what I'm doing now or the decisions I make be based off of him. Like if he was to say he wants to be with me... I don't want that to be the driving force of why I stand up to my parents. Because in some small way.. the last time this all happened I somewhat knew Dan would still be with me.. though back then I was still scared to lose him.
So.. it's like I'm basically sitting here believing he's going to end things with me and if I still am deadset on moving out and sticking to my guns.. then i'm doing this FOR myself. Does that make sense?
A key to the whole talk tomorrow will be reassuring my parents that this is no reflection at all that I don't love them. That I'm doing this not to spite them. The bottom line is that I'm doing this to see if I can stand on my own two feet. That I can be independent. And although in the whole Vietnamese culture being independent is somewhat looked down upon... it has no bearing on me not loving them or respecting them. It's just something that I have to do. I know they probably still won't 'get' it. They probably won't speak to me for a couple of days. But that's okay.
The glendale apt wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. The area is nice and safe. The outside is nice. The apartment was spacious..LOTS of closet space (nice!).. it's the top AND corner unit so it's super quiet. But, I dunno. I'm so used to 'nice' places.. well, mainly Dan's place...and since we've always looked at new houses.. I like that whole modern and new style. But this place just didn't fit that criteria. And to spend $1250 on it.. hmph.
Mental Note: Craig List sucks for looking for apartments. Every single one that I've actually gone down to see is SO awful!! Well, maybe it's because of the price range I've been looking at ...$800-1000.. but geez. Terrible. I tried to meet up with some woman.. and it was funny that the apartment was down the street from Bally's..(I definitely wouldn't be able to say that I was too lazy to get my @ss to the gym)... but once I went through the gate. I couldn't go through with it.. I just walked back to my car. eek. it was THAT bad.
So I was cruising around the sites.. and came across this: http://www.losfelizplaza.com/frame_19.html yeup. That's more what I'm looking for even down to the furniture... but oy. so pricey ~$1325. And then while looking at the apartments on apartments.com ..it started showing all the lofts that are downtown. Very nice. But, ug. I don't think I would feel safe living down there. I went to the Lofts at the Security Building website .. it would be $1200 plus $110 for parking.. total: $1310. Ouch. (Then I started daydreaming about the future and thinking if I lived in one of those nice pasadena lofts... and maybe Dan could move in ..and this and that.. *sigh* why do these images still pop up? He probably has a different view of the future now.)
Tomorrow I will bring up the topic of moving out to my parents. I'm going to stand firm on my decision... the only glitch I see is that I can't find the perfect apartment that suites me. Well, not the perfect apartment but at least one that doesn't make me want to cringe and be afraid of taking a shower in it or scared whether my car got broken into. Isn't there something decent out there for a decent price? So yea.. I don't want it to be that I say I'm moving out and then after three weeks I can't find anything. And secretly I just want to move in with Dan. Fat chance that will be. Since I got an email from him today that basically says that he doesn't see any hope between us.
It sucks when I think I may have finally got it... maybe I've lost him. How can it be that the person that I love most in the world.. happened to be the one that I hurt the most? I feel like such a schmuck.
It finally took a few days to process that this whole situation was viewing that my parents wouldn't change.. so instead of just fighting back at them and standing up and trying to (in Dan's words) "dispel their image of him".. I tried to scheme up ways to try to change me and worst of all him. And even though in my sick and twisted mind.. I thought that deep down we weren't changing who I or he was... it wasn't being honest. It wasn't accomplishing anything.
I don't want to change Dan. I can't change who my parents are. But I'm trying to change how I react to things and deal with the situation. I see how this won't be solved overnite... and I can understand that Dan wouldn't want to stick around. That he wouldn't want to maybe be hurt again and lose more years when he could be with someone better. I get that.
In the end.. I love my family. But I love Dan more and still can't see myself with anyone else but him. If loving him and being with him means that I lose my family.. I can deal with that. I think they'll eventually come around. If they don't.. well, it is their loss. I just hope their not that stubborn. And I admit that its sad to know that Dan doesn't want anything to do with my family... but I respect that. Just like he would respect me if I couldn't stand his family too and didn't want to be in the same room with them. Of course, if I was put in that position.. I'd probably just suck it up. But Dan is his own person.. and if that's what he wants.. I won't push anything onto him. Although I wonder if he's still taking his metamucil and eating right.
Debating whether to email him back. I kinda don't want to email him or talk to him right now..because I don't want to hear his answers or his opinions right now. That sounds harsh... but I don't want what I'm doing now or the decisions I make be based off of him. Like if he was to say he wants to be with me... I don't want that to be the driving force of why I stand up to my parents. Because in some small way.. the last time this all happened I somewhat knew Dan would still be with me.. though back then I was still scared to lose him.
So.. it's like I'm basically sitting here believing he's going to end things with me and if I still am deadset on moving out and sticking to my guns.. then i'm doing this FOR myself. Does that make sense?
A key to the whole talk tomorrow will be reassuring my parents that this is no reflection at all that I don't love them. That I'm doing this not to spite them. The bottom line is that I'm doing this to see if I can stand on my own two feet. That I can be independent. And although in the whole Vietnamese culture being independent is somewhat looked down upon... it has no bearing on me not loving them or respecting them. It's just something that I have to do. I know they probably still won't 'get' it. They probably won't speak to me for a couple of days. But that's okay.
posted by Lu at 12:46 AM
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