note to self
even though i'm going to be tired as hell today.. its good that i'll be at work. The extra cash does not wrong either. Throwing myself into work will definitely keep my mind off things for the time being.
so, in the shower i was thinking of stuff again. and i realized that i had to put these thoughts down before i forget.
i am a confused person. interpreting things in the wrong way. yes. communication would have definitely helped here.
why did i still want Dan to feel accepted into my family? besides the fact that that's how we all want things. We want our family to be glad that you're marrying a great person. and i dunno .. i brushed these thoughts off but now that i'm thinking about it more. i really did feel that my parent's opinion of Dan was affecting how he would react. It was just the tiniest things that i subconconsciously saw. I don't know if they were just tests that he was putting out there for me .. although i doubt it (i shouldn't even be questioning the intent). But, things like asking me before i headed off to my parents house.. 'are you going to wear your ring?' and i'll ask back 'do you think i should?' and his reply would be 'no..(explanation goes here)'. although i should have just gone with my gut instinct and i don't blame the reason why he said 'no'...because he didn't want my parents and i to argue. i think back and yea wearing my ring in front of them would have been a slap to their face...but it wasn't fair to myself. I'm not ashamed of this relationship. I hated putting my ring back into the box. And it would have been good to lay it out there for my parents rather than keeping the subject hush hush. Although, man.. i did need a rest from crying and arguing.
but other things like.. i really wanted to make dan keys to my place (although he rarely comes here).. i wanted him to have a set. but him saying 'i don't want to have them because what if your parents know that i have them'. i really did want to say what i felt... it didn't matter i wanted him to have them. but i just let that go.. but for me that was somewhat of a hint that what my parents though affected his actions.
or.. hiding his toothbrush in my bathroom. 'why don't you put it in the container?' ... 'in case your parents ask why there's two toothbrushes' okay... well... if i didn't want to have it out, i wouldn't have asked.. i dunno.
these things are small. and maybe at the time i didn't question... but to have them brought up when i'm thinking things over... it just bothered me.
although he said he didn't care what they said or thought about him. and i know from the goodness of his own heart he didn't want them to think badly of me. and those are the true reasons why he said all those previous statement... i always go back to thinking why was i or the both of us hiding something that we're definitely are not ashamed of.
yes. yet again Dan is right. would our actions be catered to what my parent's opinions are? although those small things were just that small things... and maybe quite honestly he didn't want a set of keys ...no use to him. he didn't want his toothbrush in the holder.. not really a use to him... but i dunno. i guess i do see us doing things that revolve around that. ug.. and the stress that came with that. definitely know why i haven't been happy for the past year.
so, in the shower i was thinking of stuff again. and i realized that i had to put these thoughts down before i forget.
i am a confused person. interpreting things in the wrong way. yes. communication would have definitely helped here.
why did i still want Dan to feel accepted into my family? besides the fact that that's how we all want things. We want our family to be glad that you're marrying a great person. and i dunno .. i brushed these thoughts off but now that i'm thinking about it more. i really did feel that my parent's opinion of Dan was affecting how he would react. It was just the tiniest things that i subconconsciously saw. I don't know if they were just tests that he was putting out there for me .. although i doubt it (i shouldn't even be questioning the intent). But, things like asking me before i headed off to my parents house.. 'are you going to wear your ring?' and i'll ask back 'do you think i should?' and his reply would be 'no..(explanation goes here)'. although i should have just gone with my gut instinct and i don't blame the reason why he said 'no'...because he didn't want my parents and i to argue. i think back and yea wearing my ring in front of them would have been a slap to their face...but it wasn't fair to myself. I'm not ashamed of this relationship. I hated putting my ring back into the box. And it would have been good to lay it out there for my parents rather than keeping the subject hush hush. Although, man.. i did need a rest from crying and arguing.
but other things like.. i really wanted to make dan keys to my place (although he rarely comes here).. i wanted him to have a set. but him saying 'i don't want to have them because what if your parents know that i have them'. i really did want to say what i felt... it didn't matter i wanted him to have them. but i just let that go.. but for me that was somewhat of a hint that what my parents though affected his actions.
or.. hiding his toothbrush in my bathroom. 'why don't you put it in the container?' ... 'in case your parents ask why there's two toothbrushes' okay... well... if i didn't want to have it out, i wouldn't have asked.. i dunno.
these things are small. and maybe at the time i didn't question... but to have them brought up when i'm thinking things over... it just bothered me.
although he said he didn't care what they said or thought about him. and i know from the goodness of his own heart he didn't want them to think badly of me. and those are the true reasons why he said all those previous statement... i always go back to thinking why was i or the both of us hiding something that we're definitely are not ashamed of.
yes. yet again Dan is right. would our actions be catered to what my parent's opinions are? although those small things were just that small things... and maybe quite honestly he didn't want a set of keys ...no use to him. he didn't want his toothbrush in the holder.. not really a use to him... but i dunno. i guess i do see us doing things that revolve around that. ug.. and the stress that came with that. definitely know why i haven't been happy for the past year.
posted by Lu at 8:11 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home