Mental Spillage

Can't seem to sleep at all. I woke up Dan ...hoping he would be willing to just talk to me. We only spoke for about 2 minutes. Can't blame him.. he'll be waking up in 4 hrs and I'll be able to sleep in.

Why'd I wake him? I couldn't sleep. And I really wanted to ask him.. why he loves me? why he wants to work on this when its just so easy to just let it go and move on.

I love him so much. I'm almost willing to let him go so he can find his happiness somewhere else. I almost think that he may have found it somewhere else.. in someone else.

What about me? Can I see myself happy with him? I can honestly say... sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes he bugs me and annoys the crap out of me. But even during those times... I enjoy being with him. I just can't wait to see him.. talk to him.. sleep right next to him.. share my pointless stories with him. I'm happy when I'm thinking of things to do for him.

Sometimes I think he's holding something back from me. I don't know what it is. I want to ask him... but afraid he'll say something that will make me incredibly sad. Ignorance is bliss. But I truly think he wants to get together with other girls... maybe one in particular.

This sounds stupid but it makes perfect sense in my twisted world. Anyways.. it's been 4+ years and he still hasn't farted in front me. My friends say "You should be glad!!". I know it's polite. I know I should be thankful. But, I always think... if he's comfortable enough to do it in front of his friends... and if he says that i'm his best friend. He shouldn't have any qualms with doing it in front of me. It sounds stupid. I know. But I feel there's some truth in it. Why is he literally holding back?

But the question goes back... would he be able to do it in front of another girl? If it didn't work out between us... would he be able to do it in front of her? ... and the answer is... he probably wouldn't be able to do it.

Off tangent.

I think Thao's right about moving out. I think I should. I dismissed it at first. But, tonite while driving home.... I realized I've never been really happy living at home with my parents. I did it to get by. I'm grateful to them that they never asked a dime from me. They wanted me to save my money so I could eventually buy a house. It makes perfect sense for me to stay home. It's not a far commute. I'm saving at least $2K per month.

But, I don't think I can stay here much longer. They don't pester me too much... but still. I don't think I can stay living at home much longer.

I was itching to leave the minute I came back home from Baltimore. What got me sucked in? I couldn't afford an apartment.

Now I can afford one... I might begin the search... let Ba and Me(.) know... and be out maybe by January.

Still not sleepy yet. Fuck.

Dan said 'the house' has now become symbolic. It didn't hit me until tonite what he meant by saying that. He thinks 'the house' is what the future will hold. He thinks that since I didn't stand up to my parents that that's how its going to be if he ever married me. I know he was so frustrated about how things went down... and I should have been more explicit with my reasonings of why getting this house was a bad decision. Yes. This would have been the perfect home to build a life with Dan. But, for me.. even with all its conveniences and my love for that neighborhood and what my image of what that home would look like.. something wasn't right.

It did sound like I didn't 'stand up' to my parents. But, I truly believe... with EVERYONE'S advice put to the side.... the house didn't 'feel' right for me.

Maybe I should have made that grand leap. But, I think I would have regretted it... I don't regret telling Dan 'no' on the house. But I don't want the 'house' to symbolize something wrong in Dan's head.

Dan looked so broken down when I saw him. There was definitely a coldness when I saw him tonite. *sigh*

I'm surprised he said he wasn't happy for the last 9 months. 9 months. Geez. I get flashbacks of the last time we broke up. He said almost the exact same things. And last time... once we broke up... he was dating some chick. ARGH. I don't know why I keep thinking that it's the same case now.

And again... that's another reason why I just couldn't say 'yes' to the house. I have this awful feeling Dan still wants to be with other girls. And sometimes I wonder how can I be with a guy who I can't wholeheartedly trust. Can I trust him? Has he done anything that warrants my questioning? Hmm.. no. But I have a weird woman's intuition.

Still can't sleep.

Is Dan and I in some kind of toxic relationship? Like Dan always says... two good ppl not being able to work it out.

I did ask him straight out maybe it's better to break up. But, he keeps wanting to see how it goes. Tonite he said.. it'll work out. I hope he's right.

why do I love Dan? why do I want to work on this when its just so easy to just let it go and move on?

He's certainly made me a better person... recently the one that made me open up to my mom. And I liked that feeling of being able to share with her how good Dan is. He's been my support even when I thought I was such a failure. I feel lucky to have found Dan. And he has to know.. I can be able to stand up to my parents... I guess my actions haven't spoken at all to him (and it is true)... but I know Dan is the one that I want to marry and be with for the rest of my life. I just wish I knew that's how he felt about me too. (I actually used to know he did...but now, I dunno)

I guess I shouldn't be second guessing him. He could easily say Forget it. This is over! Yet, he doesn't. He's a good guy. He'll never intentionally hurt me. I know he loves me with all his heart.

aiy. I'm not making sense at all.

Sidetracking: Daniel Shin sent me a card.. "Happy Birthday!! I know your bday is officially on the 16th but sorry I'm just a day late. I've known you for 5 years now, and you've been a great friend. I hope that you accomplish all that you set your heart to and more. Happy Birthday. Your friend, Daniel". I feel bad.. I didn't invite him to my birthday outing on Friday. I also didn't invite Kat... and I got a text message from her earlier tonite. Argh.

Damn. it's been 5 years? geez.

Funny. I thought I would be married or at least engaged when I hit 28. 28 is now long gone. oh well. I fucked up. I remember this past summer I asked David... is there such a thing as an engagement watch. The ones I saw were freakin' ugly. If Dan was ever ready to pop the question to me... out would come my watch for him. ah well.

I think after all this shit is said and done with. My family will love and accept Dan. I don't talk to Danh at all. He's a dick to begin with. I never did tell Dan why my mom doesn't like Thi and doesn't reach out to her much. On top of getting married and telling everyone that my parents are dead... I don't think Danh and Thi has ever gotten around to telling those ppl that attended their wedding they lied and Danh does have family. Huong told me Danh probably has these elaborate parties for his kids...and doesn't invite us to them. I guess in part Thi doesn't think my family is good enough for her family.

I wish Dan didn't think I or any of my family thinks his family isn't good enough for us. Most importantly... I don't want his mom to feel that way. I love that woman. My family knows how it feels. We wouldn't treat anyone like that. I think Dan's family are the nicest and sweetest ppl in the world. I would love to be part of his family. I guess my not introducing him to my family is that he'll hate my family and wouldn't want to be part of it. That's why I wanted Dan to be totally sure he would be comfortable. I want him to be himself in front of my family... but I dunno.


I'm making no sense at all. 3am.. and still can't sleep.


I look back.. and I am bossy. Telling Dan this is how it's going to be and that's it. ug. I'm sorry I said those or at least implied it. Our life together is our life. Dan and I just have to be on the same page and on each other sides. I admit. Dan's been on my side. I've never quite crossed over to being on Dan's side and trusting his gut instincts.

When Dan and I were gonna have dinner with Huong and David. Dan just wanted to get to know Huong and David. Dan's way was the right way. Huong would have written Dan off if he came at them with questions about our parents. He left a good impression on her that nite.

I wrote an email to Carol about a full time position and if there was a possibility of me getting it. I'm scared of the answer that will be shot back to me. eek.

oy. 4am now.

The crazy thing is... what i would probably want more than Dan proposing to me is if he would just fart in front of me. I think that would show me much more than a ring could ever mean. In a sick way... that would be his letting loose and me knowing FINALLY he's comfortable to do that. That's the one side I've never seen of Dan. And I want to see it. Dammit. Just fart. It would mean something to me. Four years.. it's been four years and I haven't been formally introduced to the Dan fart. Doesn't have to be a thunderous, smelly one. Silent killers don't count. A soft one would do.